For Lost Love
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Villanelle For Lost Love
By Rina Shamilov
Edited 03/01/22
Your lips touch mine under the golden streets
While our bones rock together under the dust
We huddle in the corners of our night (where I defeat
Your Body with mine), my eyes glowed sickly green
With envy, as your love for another blended with sunset rust
Your lips touch mine under the golden streets
Our bones hurdled together under the pruning green,
Stretching over the skin flaps of our curled hands, forbearing trust
We huddle in the corners of our night (where I defeat
The scattered sun) as it leans
On the corners of the dusk-drenched moon, cusped
Your lips touch mine under the golden streets
The bone scraps hang off the looseness of my feet
Shivering into the blood-tainted sky crusts
We huddle in the corners of our night (where I defeat
Your lips), curdling but with lonesome teeth
Hanging along the edges of your curled lips like dust
Your lips touched mine under the golden street,
We huddled in the corners of our night, which I defeated
I am impressed to see you trying a villanelle out before we even go over the form. That's pretty bold! Villanelles are quite a challenge for most people, but that can also result in incredible beauty and persuasive rhythms.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't quite a villanelle from a formal perspective. For one, it is short a stanza. Also, it lacks the rhyme scheme. On the other hand, you do have the concept of refrains down pretty well. Your repetition of the first and third lines of stanza one helps this toward being a villanelle, but it also needs to rhyme in a consistent way, and it needs another tercet leading up to your final quatrain.
I will go over villanelles in class and explain better what I mean, using actual poems as examples.
Some of the language in this poem is terrific, even if the form is off base.
Rina this is amazing! I loved that you wrote a villanelle which is something I aspire to do. This villanelle gave me a lot of inspo so thank you! The way you show moments here is so powerful, in the last stanza you do this in a way that really struck me. I loved your description of "lonesome teeth" this was so visual for me. I would suggest you throw a rhyme or two in here to make it pop even more. I love your use of repeating lines like "Your lips touched mine under the golden streets" to convey messages and what you have to say. Great villanelle, you are so bold to try this already!
ReplyDeleteWow this is such an incredible poem I am in awe! Your use of imagery is insane there are so many lines I am obsessed with but overall I think the way you choose such powerful words in almost every line conjures up such powerful imagery! I loved your repeated lines so much, so it was great that they were woven throughout the poem but I especially liked that you left yourself open to slightly change the second refrain ex:
ReplyDeleteWe waddled within the corners of the night (where I defeated
Your Body with mine)
vs
We huddled into the corners of the night (where I defeated
The scattered sun)
that was such a cool take on a technique which risks being repetitive to the point of meaningless but you made it so creative! I also loved how you added so much color to this poem by repeating words like "gold" and "dawn". You only described fragments of a scene but I was able to image so much so vividly because of the specific language that you used. Loved it so much!!!
Rina, I always look forward to reading your poems because they're never short of amazing. While I don't think it's exactly a villanelle it is a beautiful poem. I believe you need one more three lined stanza and also a rhyme scheme. This poem is so intense an flows so well, I really like how short the lines are and the adjectives used seem very purposeful. Nothing seems out of place or extra. LOVED reading this poem
ReplyDelete