Dinner Soup
Papa lamented the spilt borscht
that puddled in vermillion pools
on the floor
as Your blood did after
You were beaten
the sweat stuck to the pieces
of Your hair that fell out
after he broke Your head into
a bloody mold
& Your face melted into fleshy bits
Mama played connect-the-dots
& considered the line
to draw
before calling the cops
(& I was drawing outside
the lines in the corner)
while You zagged from one
corner of the room to
the next: grey-eyed in the humid air
it was simmering sweet summertime
& Your tomato garden sat
timidly on the windowsill
as the scene blossomed
along the line of Your veins
that he tried to hit
You were eating red soup for dinner
the borscht Mama warmed up
after Papa yelled that it was cold
You always hurried when You ate
"Do you think someone will take it away?"
Papa asked
He yelled at You for chewing
too loudly & would curse You
as You slurped
a few recycled phrases that he
threw away with the rest of us
& then You quietly retreated
to your bedroom,
a silent respite
I never came after You
The only one word that comes to mind when reading this poem is riveting: the intensity of the poem complimented by the stanza : Mama played connect-the-dots/ & considered the line /to draw /before calling the cops - which serves as sort of a relief for the tension between the narrator and her father during this poem. One thing I would remove is the parenthesis- it's a bit confusing and takes away from the beauty of the imagery you've so elegantly presented. This is an intense poem showcased in a beautiful, traditional immigrant home which serves both a sense of irony and a sense of fear. This is an important and stunning poem.
ReplyDeleteI loved the attention to detail in this poem, specifically all the ways you used to make me see the color red. The use of "vermillion" "bloody" and "tomato" really gave a lot of imagery throughout and I liked how they were sprinkled throughout the entire poem so it really carried through. You had amazing word choice throughout and I really enjoyed!
ReplyDeletewow I am blown away I love this. So cool how you use gramatical forms here and the poem would sound different without it, love this edition. The last few lines resonate with me because of how much you show.
ReplyDelete"the next: grey-eyed in the humid air
it was simmering sweet summertime
& Your tomato garden sat
timidly on the windowsill
as the scene blossomed
along the line of Your veins
that he tried to hit" I love how you wrote this giving me so many images to see within. The timid windowsill shows how difficult blossoming can be. Then you give life to the veins as someone hits them. Loved this poem it was so cool to read.
The first two stanzas of this poem are quite powerful. I was totally engaged. But this poem hasn't found it's ending yet. It might just be getting started, not sure, but we'll talk soon about the ending--and it's not the language or the intensity. Poetry can accommodate all modes of language, and many of my favorite poets have portrayed violence candidly. Unless this poem were one in a larger sequence, I think giving the last word to the perpetrator is a misstep.
ReplyDeleteThis new ending is better even that I hoped. I worried that the new ending might feel unnatural and "tacked on," but it feels organic with the rest and does what I hoped it would do. It turns attention back upon the person suffering, so that our empathy is engaged and despite the violence of the poem, the reader connects with someone, which is one of the more important things that poetry can do. I really like this poem now. It's a step forward in terms of intensity and a consolidation of the things you have been learning while experimenting with different kinds of lines. This controlled, 2-3 beat line helps give shape to the dissonance that is intrinsic to the poem's subject matter.
ReplyDelete