Blasting Thru

1.

It's almost a month now 

                        & every morning

I sing myself to sleep on the train

                       blasting thru the subway walls

with every can of caffeine 

                       I see people that will one day die

just like you did, one morning

                       passing into the next

& never waking up

2.

I can count on my hands all of

                        the naked mornings we spent crouched 

into the folds of white bed sheets,

                        rumpling through yesterday's dirt

Dad can't forgive himself

                        & so he cries every night

& he still thinks you did it to yourself

                       I tell him you didn't but I'm sick of

defending your ghost, you're already

                       too dead & I wonder how prunish your

face looks; in my dreams, you appear purple

3.

I melt into the sofa that I sleep on

                      in my brother's room that he's vacated

after he got married last year;

                     they celebrated their one-year a few days

before we were supposed to

                    & now they're pregnant

& I'm still waiting on you

                    but when you come to me in my dreams

I fall back into the memory & laugh myself to sleep

                   I still can't get over your eyes

4.

when I found out you died

                 my skin stretched tightly across

my face; now it ferments into a yellow-brown 

                     after 

                pressing itself into the floor: every day 

in and out of living

               & every day it hits me 

just how hungry I am but

              I can't really eat so

I pray, I pray to something

                maybe you

            or the folds of the stars that 

droop over estranged mornings

            but I'm not any closer to forgetting

that I can't have you

5.

so here are the back-peddled walks

  across the city, and every face I

     see reminds me of yours:

        delicate and smooth,

            your nose mounts on your face

                                 like a broken clock & time spills

                                                        away from you, but in my dreams

                                                                you tell me that you love me one minute

                                                                        until you're blasting thru the next

                                                                             & I'm still waiting on you