You were dead a month, but I still love you, dammit

Yes, but

It's been a month now & I want to throw myself at every starving body because the hole refuses to fill itself & I love when their eyes are on me because it means that just this once I won't have to see myself.

Yes, but

None of it really matters anymore because when I look back at that damned smile of yours, I croak. And seeing you in my dreams is painful enough, but I don't know what else to do than to feel your death pull me towards you. Baby, I can feel your body shaking beneath mine. Where's your pulse?

Yes, but

I feel older than I am. Time's passed and the dent you left on my heart is starting to shrink. So are my bones, by the way. I feel so small. Tiny, really. But not the good kind I used to feel when you picked me up in your arms. 

Yes, but

When Papa first met you, he called Winne the Pooh. Because you're a kind softie, he would say. After you died, nobody referred to you as Winnie the Pooh anymore. Some memories are not meant to be unveiled. 

Yes, but

I wonder if I'll want to name a kid after you. Stick a middle name in there and tell him who his namesake was on his eighteenth birthday. Surprise, kiddo! You get to live out the life my once-lover never got to experience. But it doesn't feel fair to even call you that.  

Yes, but

I'm scared I'll grow old and bitter. Mom says I love with my whole heart. Do you still find that true? I must have been a nightmare when we fought. You still loved me regardless. 

Yes, but

The scraps I have left of you lost your smell. And it doesn't take away from the memories I keep of you. But I want you trembling beside me under a cold moon, while we compare the sizes of our hands and swallow each other's breaths. 

Yes, but

There's nothing I can do to love you less, and loving you less is not what I want. I just wish you were still alive, that's all, but it feels silly. Of course you're not alive, but your ghost keeps me company when I sleep. Your body feels foreign, though.

Yes, but

I love you. I love you. You know I do. And a month doesn't change that.